Aboitiz Invitational: Caddying for Another O’Toole (they’re everywhere!)

13895038_10153494955402242_445565081786664541_nFrom one O’Toole to another, it was time to drag my weary body to Manila. This time I would caddy for Casey’s cousin, John Michael. Surely, he won’t be as ‘talented’ as Casey,but rumour had it that he was…I was just hoping that he wouldn’t be farting and singing Justin Bieber all day to be honest. This would be my last tournament caddying during my summer break. While most of my co-workers relaxed on beaches across Asia, I liked to use up my free time stressing out on golf courses-not sure why, but then again I have done many questionable things in my life.

20160731_210922After eating half of the lounge food in Bangkok airport,I wobbled up to the departure gate,praying for a peaceful flight,something that I hadn’t experienced in a long long time. Amazingly, my prayers were answered when I realised that my seat was next to two deaf people, who were communicating via sign language- praise the Lord! (To clarify, it was the impending peaceful flight that cheered me up, nothing else!).

6326977875_78486a27e9_bSitting just in front of me was Miguel Tabuena, who was also looking pretty shattered, after playing in the Kings Cup earlier that day. I told him I was heading to an ADT event in Manila; he said next up for him was the Rio Olympics – a slight difference in our schedules. I preferred mine to be honest- only a three hour flight to deal with and no threat of the Zica virus in Manila. Although, if he asked me to caddy for him in Rio, I’d probably have considered it. It didn’t pop up in the conversation though, maybe I’ll be required for Tokyo 2020. By that stage I should have a few hundred cuts made…

s-l300I eventually got to my hotel at 330am after getting charged five times the going rate by a cowboy cab driver. I was so tired that I had no idea about the exchange rate and my haggling skills were not up to their usual top notch level. I was wondering why he looked so happy when me said a price and I quickly agreed without hesitation. Cowboy! I finally got to jump into bed at 4am, roughly the time I had been waking up at for the past week. My sleeping pattern was out the window for the day…not literally as I was on the 15th floor of the hotel.

After waking up at 1pm, my belly was pretty angry due to its lack of donations,while I tried to rest my mind.Tough going at times this sleeping carry-on. A quick check on TripAdvisor showed me that I was just a short stroll to a Mega-Mall, which meant mega food court.13873118_10153490340912242_8420036291354992395_n I was not feeling very adventurous, so popped into Ronald’s gaf again for a cheeseburger meal (large of course). It’s probably not a wise move to go clothes shopping in the Philippines straight after eating Maccy D’s.13900058_10153490340892242_8914314401014474631_nYou know that shite feeling you have after eating that crap? Well then to be told my local shorts size is 3 XL was like the knockout blow in my heavyweight championship. FYI 3XL in the Philippines = medium in US. But then again a medium in the US is at least a large everywhere else…There’s a whole bunch of irrelevant information for you!After my traumatic shopping experience, it was time to head back to the hotel and sleep began again at 8pm aka Casey time.

Tuesday was our only practice day, as the tournament ran from Wednesday-Saturday, probably so everyone could hit the Manila clubs on Saturday night. Unsurprisingly, I was up and about at 5am. JM was planning on playing at 9am, so I looked for cab at 715am.13879437_10153490341037242_588866032975595535_nI wasn’t really prepared for the traffic and it was 8am before a taxi picked me up and drove me five minutes up the road to Wack Wack (yup, that’s the name of the golf course-something to do with local bird life, I wasn’t really listening when being told and probably just bored you know by mentioning this…) JM had teed off early with Sergio Baxter and Gavin Green, so I was chauffeured down to them in a buggy, that had seen better days and golf shots clearly…13921004_10153492637937242_6700783220662816531_n We said our hellos and I grabbed his bag, which immediately told me I would be in for a cuschty week! It was so light I had to check twice that I had actually picked it up. How considerate of JM to do this and he even had shamrocks on his golf shoes in my honour- thank you.13886947_10153492637562242_3009510732912959746_n Eh, Casey and your big bag? No need for it…When JM took his two litre bottle of Gatorade out of the bag, the weight halved. “Chug it back JM…”

The course was in great shape, with the par 3 8th being notorious for destroying many golfers score cards.13901499_10153492638032242_8046327875668447165_n                                     NOT THIS WEEK NUMBER 8, NOT THIS WEEK! 13879237_10153494957422242_8200869258822343276_nI honestly thought JM’s buddy was Sergio Garcia for a split second and with Gavin Green also playing in our group and heading to Rio after this tournament, maybe it was. But of course it wasn’t…

We grabbed a bite to eat in the clubhouse afterwards and I was back in my hotel by 4pm,after airing out the shoes again…13938623_10153494955487242_4464664772222145360_nThe day was finished off with a Burger King delivery and Rocky marathon on TV. Yes, BBC News was on when photo was taken…13902622_10153493021427242_1068438287402169444_n Seriously, how did Sylvester Stallone make it onto TV? I mean who was the first person to interview him for a job as an actor? Even though Rocky was on an English TV station, subtitles in English were also provided, enough said…

It wasn’t until day one of the tournament that I realised my phone was still set on Thai time…So JM hadn’t teed off early yesterday…Oops!13912499_10153492636887242_6855580001154801899_n Luckily, I still arrived 45 mins before our tee time. We got off to a rough start +6 through 7(maybe he was nervous as it was the first time not having local caddie as a pro? Or maybe not?). Anyway, we battled back to finish final 11 on -2 with +4 total, that was like par on this course.

JM asked me to mention hole 10 as he said it was probably the greatest hole he ever played…much better than Casey’s par recovery the week earlier…Quick summary- tee off buried in a bush, chipped out onto the fairway, 180 yds to 2 feet, par, next hole please.

13887060_10153492628732242_3744620208520806323_nI better mention that the heat was ridonkulus (not a typo) again, as if it was going to be any different…There was free lunch on offer upstairs afterwards, but fish, eggs and rice was not too appealing; more grease was required. On the range, after lunch, when one of the local golfers found out that he missed the free food, he acted like he’d been shot 50 times. It would have saved him about $5. Tough times on the Philippine Tour…

I got back to my hotel at 5pm, after 45 min taxi journey for 1 km spin and stretched in nescht for the evening. 20160803_180758The hotel had its own phone app for ordering food from almost anywhere in Manila- time for a pizza followed by zzz by 9pm – rock star (more like retiree) lifestyle.

Day two began with the eyes opening delicately at 5am. Rocky was still on TV, but quickly switched off. I go to the course at about 730am in a bid to beat the morning traffic- I think it’s just 24/7 in Manila.13920894_10153496723627242_7324581670646532674_n I crackled down possibly the crispiest bacon I’ve ever eaten, and believe me, many pigs have passed through my digestive system. Free brekkie not looking good. We got off to a slow start again,which left us just out of the cut line,but it never really felt like we we’re gonna miss it.

13932753_10153497256122242_3807635428274440456_nAs we were about to finish out the 12th hole, the sound of foghorns rang round the course- a thunderstorm was coming, apparently anyway. 13939590_10153497256542242_3248556079345986810_nThe two hour delay gave me some time to dry off basically everything- shirt, shorts, cap, shoes, socks, Wack Wack money…It wasn’t the most social occasion waiting around, as everyone sat at the clubhouse staring at their phones, including myself of course!

13900161_10153497461137242_8498425618628473253_nWe had 6 holes left to try and salvage the round and make the cut. No problem sirrrrr…A serious grind ended with a birdie on 17 and a clutch 10 foot par putt on 18,  to make the cut and keep the run going…these Alabamans are serious grinders, they almost have as much fighting spirit as us Irish, almost.

13939511_10153508409632242_7483008214517254764_nThe taxi man back was an expert at chatting shite, even more than me. He spent the whole journey (15 minutes only thankfully) telling me if u eat five baluts you can have sex for 24 hours. ”That’s OK Seamus (my token name for people whose name I don’t know), if I wanted to have sex for a day, I’d pop a couple of Viagra’s instead of eat five baby bird fetuses”.

I got back to the hotel at 8pm and the lights were out by 9, after hoovering back a well deserved Maccy D’s delivery via this majestic app!20160804_202045 No matter what country I’m in, Ronald will always be ma maaaan for the greasy munch.

Moving day morning always starts with the hope of going low and flying up the leader board and this was no different. I was not in the best shape having had a pretty rough night sleep with stomach issues. Ronald my maaan, what did you do to me?? Throughout the night, I spent more time arched over the toilet bowl than a supermodel after overindulging at an all you can eat meat buffet. I had a total of two hours kip and felt like an Eskimo trekking through the Sahara, as I made my way to the course.

13876300_10153498758507242_3939922497281948214_nI nervously forced some fruit into my fragile belly for breakfast, which seemed like the safest option. The round itself was turning out to be a tough battle and I slipped into the toilet on the back 9 to throw up, but JM doesn’t know this, until now! I kept quiet and battled on like a proper Irishman! It was a tough day, although as we still managed to stay inside the top 40.

It was straight back to the hotel after the round for much needed kip. I woke up a few hours later feeling much better, so celebrated with a trip next door to Mr Kabab for dinner.20160805_181637 “We have beef,lamb or chicken kebabs sirrr,which one would you like sirrr? “I’ll take one of each Mary-thank you”. And straight back to bed after!

I woke up for our final day, back to peak fitness (which is about 85%). We finished with a solid round of 73. The notorious number 8 gave us a punch in the face and a double,but JM quickly followed that up by grabbing number 9 by the throat and squeezing out a birdie. We finished T-35th (8 places better than the week before…). 13925862_10153501700762242_3694747704889467097_oGavin Green was beaten on the last by local favourite Jay Bayron, but he was off to Rio, so his disappointment probably lasted about 10 seconds.

13908968_10153501707057242_1563524520625868431_oSo after caddying for the two O’Toole’s over two consecutive weeks, I believe that I am in the perfect position to give an accurate opinion of who is the better all round golfer. Who is better off the tee? Who is a more solid iron player? Who has a superior short game? Who is the stronger putter? Most importantly, who is the better human being? Casey or John Michael…..












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Kings Cup:Caddying for Casey(zzz) O’Toole

13615295_10153477392642242_1686321284683735151_n*Before you read this, please understand that I couldn’t give a shite who the next US President is.Whether it is Trump, Hillary,Johnson or Dennis Rodman, it’s not of interest to me. If you are offended by any political references I make in a lighthearted way, please keep your letter of complaints to yourself, because they will be ignored (and probably laughed at :) kingscupgolfthailand2016.jpgWeek 3 in Pattaya had finally arrived. It’s definitely not the number one tourist spot in Thailand, unless you are not far from your grave it seems. Definitely not the place to be hanging around for too long, but with just a few days between tournaments, I ‘battled’ through staying there and tried my best to avoid the dodgy places I would have loved to visit back in my prime…I think I succeeded in doing this, maybe. You will never know.

I was fully recharged and ready for a big week with the great great grandson of an Irish potato farmer, Casey O Toole, arguably the best player I’ve caddied for so far, (I said arguably…). Well I suppose we would find out on Sunday. He had finished in a tie for fifth in his previous tournament, so maybe this was going to be the week that I would experience what it was like to be in contention going into the weekend. I’m sure that will be a whole new level of pressure, but after next year’s Masters, I will be in a better position to comment on this. First and foremost, the Kings Cup cut needed to be made.

I had a relatively sleepless Sunday night (in a hotel that looked like a ship), due to the chronic snoring by Alan (Asian Tour regular caddie). Although his snoring was probably more bearable  than his snap chatting to be fair…20160724_174522.jpg We took off to the official hotel early in the morning to check in and devour some free bacon- quite possibly my two favourite words.With the bellies bloated, Alan drove us to the course, leaving me with plenty of time to wander about the course chatting shite to different people, as I waited for Casey to arrive from Bangkok.

As I arched back bottle after bottle of water beside a fan in the reception area, I felt obliged to get a snap with Anthony Kang when he arrived. 13775830_10153474942202242_8369176184443552444_n.jpgHe looked like he had stolen someones lampshade from the 1970’s wearing that cap. Not the most stylish of entrances, but then again Anthony was going to be behind the TV cameras commentating for the week, which seemed like a much cushtier job than lugging around a golf bag in the baking heat. Maybe one day I will get the opportunity to do this, although I’m not sure golf TV coverage has room for subtitles amongst all the other text on the screen.

As I waited patiently…for Casey, the ‘headline act’ for the week Trevor Immelman was next to arrive at the clubhouse. It was probably a bit too hot for him to be wearing his green jacket and to be fair, it’s probably a bit worn out at this stage. When he saw me, he ran up and begged me for a photo.13615370_10153474942162242_1592464665072146961_n”No problem, Trev my maaan”. It’s hard to believe that he is only one year older than me. Clearly I have had a much less stressful (and successful) life.

Casey eventually arrived at around noon along with David Lutterus aka the Australian Chris Wood (well according to me anyway).13769473_10153475239817242_4539520890065799755_n Proudly wearing his combat cap with “Make America Great Again”,I immediately got the impression that an interesting week was in store…

Lutterus told me that he had recently played at my home course in Ireland, which meant that every course after that was a major letdown (according to me). It was another hot and humid day, so we only played 9 holes, which was probably a good thing as Casey was down a few bets against Woody.13626433_10153477245927242_6507049727468714524_nCasey didn’t seem too happy after our first practice day…

We got back to the hotel at about 5pm and wandered around the place looking for a decent place to grab a much.Not too many options around, so we eventually settled on dinner at an Indian restaurant, down a dodgy looking lane way. Probably not the best decision we made all week. The butter chicken was more like scutter chicken that looked like it came straight from the open sewer outside.The taste matched the look and we left soon afterwards knowing that we would never return there.1393389568-3376922562_l.jpg Thankfully a few 7-Eleven toasted sandwiches saved the day and the belly was content once again.

In what became the main theme of the week, Casey fell asleep from 7pm. Jet lag was an acceptable excuse on this occasion. I like to go to sleep pretty early too these days, but not when the sun is still shining outside… so I stayed up until 10pm, which felt like about 4am after spending a few hours listening to Casey snoring and farting the night away.

Tuesday began with the usual dragging of the feet in the direction of the smell of bacon. To be fair I also had two pieces of fruit, so my balanced diet maintained.13782076_10153475240042242_693951945042306382_n We played the first 9 holes on our own. Not that we don’t have friends (maybe Casey doesn’t?) on Tour, but there was about 50 golfers on the front 9, so we crept onto number 10 between groups- and Casey drove the ball down the middle, as expected! There was still a crowd on the front 9 when we arrived, so after pairing up with Indian Randhawa for holes 10-13, that was enough for the day. Seeing ten golfers waiting on the 14th tee box made the decision quite an easy one.

We grabbed lunch in the players lounge and I felt a little bit guilty when I found out that Casey was avoiding all forms of fried food. I probably shouldn’t have filled up my plate with a mountain of chicken cordon bleu, but in all fairness it was hard to resist, as I watched Casey struggle through his pasta and salad…20160727_132449.jpgThe next bus wasn’t due for another hour so he hit the putting green for what he said was 30 mins- but I clocked it in at 13:45 seconds, still a solid session in that heat!

Later that evening, we took the long trek up to the rooftop bar on the 38th floor of the hotel, to check out the view and use up for free welcoming drink voucher. I stuck to my soft drinks as usual!1fe046a95e01481bb7ab7b2eb1c39361.jpg We ended up chatting shite with the Saffas and Ping Rep David for a few hours and amazingly it wasn’t until 10pm that Casey needed his nest again. This would be the latest he stayed up for the week. Asian Tour life…

Wednesday was a rest day, as our position as first reserve for the Pro-Am stayed that way, thankfully.! I registered for my media pass, so I could get a free t-shirt to add to the collection and watched the local Thai traditional dancers or gropers more like.13775908_10153477309847242_7061214878350161920_n We hit the range for about an hour. Casey told me he likes to listen to Justin Bieber and Garth Brooks when he is on the range. I kept my comments to myself.

It was on this day, Wednesday, July 26th, 2016 at 5:03pm that I first witnessed Casey’s toxic ass gas in its fullest. Of course, he didn’t give me any warning, but once I felt my nose burning and eyes stinging, I knew that this was not the typical odour in Pattaya- unless you are on Walking Street at 5am.boston-terrier-fart-meme.jpg I would not wish this on my worst enemy and am just happy that I didn’t die from such a vile puff of air pollution.

Day One saw us paired up with South African Dean Burmester and some Thai player whose short game was on another level, but that doesn’t really narrow it down I suppose. It was a pretty routine round with one bogey and seventeen pars.13872693_10153485796707242_6365256572908788198_n Casey did ask me (many many times…) to mention his par on the 16th though. Tee off in water, third shot 179.9 yards to five feet, one putt for par- next hole please. This was without doubt the best recovery shot I had seen as a caddie…but was later topped by his cousin in Manila, the following week…#MaybePoomWasRight🙂

Having an afternoon tee off time for day two, we decided to be a little bit adventurous and head down to the night market for a sneer. I love these markets in South East Asia where you can buy disposable clothes and sunglasses for a few dollars. They are disposable, because they fall apart shortly after you buy. Casey was desperate to get a photo of the sunset, so we headed down to the beach for a quick look.20160728_174252 I tried to encourage him to practice his bunker shots but he promised me he would not be in any more for the week. This was not the case… 13879274_10153483153012242_3368469691261627171_nWe grabbed a quick drink at a beach side bar and after getting this snap taken by the waitress, I realised that a second career as a Seth Rogen lookalike was something to fall back on if his golf ever went to shite, which I’m sure it won’t. Ever!

A 12:30pm tee off time is always quite difficult to wait around for. We were both still up at 6am and he wandered downstairs to call home for a while. I flicked on the PGA Championship on the Thai Golf Channel, which for obvious reason was left on on mute. Without any caffeine in the system, it took me 30 minutes to realise that I was watching a replay of the Players Championship from 2012. The TV quality definitely hasn’t changed much in the past few years it seems.

We arrived out to the course at about 10am and followed the stale smell all the way to the locker rooms.

13882365_10153485796762242_3579415021227133789_n.jpg Unfortunately, it seemed that the majority of that waft was coming from our locker and dominated by my shoes…they would be aired out after today’s round. Thankfully, we made the cut with two to spare, in which we had three birdies and Casey decided to have one bogey all by himself. It was a long day, so once the round was finished so were we (also I have no what happened that evening as I didn’t take notes…). I did do one thing when we go back to the hotel though…13880269_10153488226397242_8939830149324229463_nMoving Day had arrived and this time we were paired up with an Italian from the Challenge Tour and  Thai player Poom (we remained on first name terms). Poom, who plays on the ADT with Casey’s cousin seemed like a solid player, who was also brutally honest with his opinions…When Casey asked him who he thought was a better player, without hesitation Poom said John Michael (Casey’s cousin), as he hit the ball much straighter! It had been a while since I had witnessed steam coming from another person’s ears, but Casey decided to birdie the next two holes to quieten Poom. I was just hoping the Thai fella would have a few more comments to say during the round. That was not the case and we finished up with a level par round20160730_184338.jpgWe grabbed a feast of food next door to the hotel and Casey was back on track again, asleep by 752pm…maybe he was just pretending to be asleep so he didn’t have to listen to my excessive amount of shite talk? Surely not…

Sunday began for Casey at 4am again, as he continued to have the same sleeping schedule as a new born baby…I was up at 5am for the 6 o’ clock bus to get some blisters burst.13882409_10153488226297242_3686589956273450389_n The bubbles were back! We were paired up with Scott Jamieson and some Thai dude (with a long name and great short game…). After getting it to -3 on the 8th, we were only 5 shots off the lead and beginning to dream a little… Unfortunately, the 9th, which is the hardest hole on the course, gave us a good hard kick up the arse and a 7 on the score card and the battle was on to salvage the round…funny game. We eventually finished on level par for the tournament and t43rd. I suspect it won’t be too long before you see his name in the winner’s circle on TV and hopefully me in the background jumping into the nearest lake. Lots of laughs were had throughout the week and  I suppose rednecks aren’t all that bad…

After munching on the scraps in the players lounge and packing up, we booked a taxi to Bangkok, as I was flying out to Manila later that evening and that’s were Casey was based (but not anymore!). The taxi turned out to be a Resort hotel bus big enough for a family, (maybe not the O’Toole family, who seem to pop up everywhere), so a horizontal trip was very much appreciated.20160731_182546.jpg I spent a few hours killing time at Casey’s apartment beside the airport before flying to Manila to caddy for another O’Toole. Comparisons will be made in the next article…I think Linda O’ Toole is the most superior of all the O’Toole’s though, so is there any point in giving my opinion on the minor places??

I learned a lot from this week, but mainly that I hate Justin Bieber and Alabaman farts are more toxic than Fukushima. Next time I’ll be prepared with ear plugs, nose plugs and maybe even a new pair of trainers, maybe…good luck for now and Roll Tide etc…

The Pattaya Open: Caddying for Lord Yates

13631425_10153446773767242_1254391533781154599_n.jpgSo my summer break from my Korean university job had arrived and it was time to head back out on the fairways,greens, trees, bunkers, water and car parks of Asia’s finest golf courses. I was pretty excited to be caddying for one of the self-proclaimed legends of Asian golf…a man that apparently talks more then me on the golf course, Lord Simon Yates, formerly of Scotland, but now residing in Thailand, because he said the weather was too cold in Glasgow.

20160814_141310.pngThe trek to Thailand began with a 35 minute flight from Daegu to Incheon. I barely had my seat-belt on and we were landing. In fact, I think I spent more time waiting for my luggage than I did in the air. I’m not sure why it happens continuously, but my bags always seem to be last to appear on the carousel… is there any trick to changing this apart from just wearing all your clothes and boarding the plane..?

20160814_141412.pngAfter realising that my  flight to Bangkok was at 8pm not 8am , I had to book into a hotel near the airport, as there was no way I could stay in the airport for that long. I would have just ended up eating at McDonald’s, Burger King and KFC to help me pass the time. So instead,  I ate pizza, watched sport on TV, slept, showered and left. Your typical exhilarating hotel stay…

20160814_141342.pngAs with every flight nowadays, I get there first thing so I can vedge it up in the lounge for 3 hours before zooming off to . Maybe that’s why my luggage is always last out? L.I.F.O. I know it’s not though, because I have asked at a few counters!The Korean Air Lounge was top notch as expected, and my eyes took over my belly again, eating food I didn’t need to! I like to plan ahead, so was just making sure I wasn’t going to be hungry during the flight.


I got my usual emergency exit window seat on the plane, which meant the inevitable spiel from the air hostess about pulling up the door if we crash, blah blah blah.  After she had explained the safety rules in Korean to my temporary neighbours, for some reason she asked me if I was Russian. Hmmm, time to see how this pans out, so I just nodded, and enjoyed the delivery of the safety instructions in the Russian language. When she was done, I gave her another nod and she was on her way ‘Russian’ to her seat before take off. I never claimed to be a comedian, so if you didn’t find that funny, it won’t bother me in the slightest.

After getting picked up by a local taxi driver that laughed every time I spoke (for 90 minutes!), I got to the golf club at about 3am in complete darkness. No welcoming committee…although eventually some dude popped his dozy head up from a blanket behind the reception desk and we struggled through the check-in process. 13600079_10153446773967242_7584236927907647259_nI crashed at about 4am, just as the birds were beginning their excessive chirping outside my window. Knowing that breakfast finished at 10am, I set the alarm for 9am, but as is typical, my belly alarm rumbled at 8am, so off for a morning feast I went.

Lord Yates was planning on playing 9 practice holes (yes, he does practice sometimes…), but got caught up in traffic, so was too late for our tee time, which meant a day under the air con watching a TV no bigger than a slice of bread.20160712_093615 It was a pretty uneventful day to be honest, not much to do around the resort, so I didn’t do much… 13612238_10153446773827242_6263778717070039996_nI did walk around the first few holes, but the heat was a bit much for my pasty Irish body, so it wasn’t long before I was back under the air-con, desperately trying to locate a strong WiFi connection, so I didn’t have to spend the day squinting at the tiny TV screen. 

Later on, I met up with a few of the OneAsia Aussie players for dinner, who had practised earlier in the day, and looked rather tired…so maybe it was a good thing that Lord Yates missed the tee time. Bed was hit at 10pm- tomorrow was Pro-Am Day, my first one as a caddie…

5am wake up is typical for golfers/caddies during tournament weeks, but maybe not waking up in a ‘pool’ of blood on your pillowcase! 20160713_201523.jpg*WARNING THIS PHOTO YOU ARE LOOKING AT RIGHT NOW CONTAINS GRAPHIC MATERIAL (too late now I suppose…) It seemed my air con was set a bit too low and powerful and dried up my whole body…

Lord Yates made his grand entrance to the resort restaurant looking very much worse for wear, much worse than he usually looks… 13621396_10153840517748790_1081945532_oHe had surgery on his head a week earlier (which was not as a result of the thoughts of me caddying for him) and was having dizzy spells at the breakfast table. He really shouldn’t have been here and I felt 0.000001% guilty because it seemed like he was not fit to play, but because I had made the trip, he probably felt obliged to. I mean this was a great opportunity for him to have such a world class caddie on his bag who doesn’t have smelly feet…


(Jorgen, you know I’m joking…) A solid 78 (+8) in the Pro-Am was actually a seriously good score for a man who looked like Ozzy Osbourne after a week at Glastonbury. 13718142_10153454101042242_1989787801_oUnfortunately, the amateurs were not treated to any birdies, which I’m sure Lord Yates was saving up for when the tournament began. Apart from the golf, good times were had and thankfully, buggies were used for the entire round,or Ozzy Yates would probably still be out there. The day was finished off with room service as the thunderstorms begun outside. My kind of weather, roll on tomorrows battle!

Round One: After already clocking up his bad round for the week, Lord Yates produced a solid day of 70 (level par) .13680494_10153451704462242_1155225237989118559_nThe fry up and pork steak before 11am surely helped, (him not me!). We played alongside Namchok (500 points in scrabble surname) and another Thai player (these names are hard to remember. Maybe I will do some research and edit this later, probably not though). Anyway, they shot -3 and -5, but they didn’t look like they had had any recent head surgery. The flies on the course turned out to be the main obstacle during the round. They were everywhere!Screenshot_20160718-073216.jpgLuckily, our scorekeeper, had some ointment to fend them off, although shortly after applying, it began to burn the ears off me. Or maybe that was just because of Lord Yates (recently promoted to Lord of the Flies) and his excessive talking? Seeing that we were in Thailand, the scorekeeper spent the rest of the round trying to sell me the insect repellent for 100 Baht.There’s no escape from the local hagglers, even on the fairways… I was back lying down in my hotel bed by 5pm after vacuuming a steak in about 15 seconds. Tomorrow was another 5am wake up call to hopefully keep cut run going! Time to tuck in the clubs for the evening.20160713_183733.jpg

Round Two:Yates arrived for breakfast full of confidence and fully packed to leave, in case he missed the cut! The Wee man devoured two fry ups and was all set for another day of swinging a club and self commentating on the course. Another level par round saw us make the cut on the number, and secure two more days in the beautiful sunshine. I wonder who I will be caddying for when I eventually experience a missed cut, because it will basically be all their fault…(this is a joke by the way, so relax!). As is tradition after a round, we ate lunch and I rested up for the day. 13690807_10153453930007242_1413394373494541692_n

The WiFi was down, which felt like I had been put in an isolation booth for the day, left with only my thoughts, which thankfully can be quite entertaining at times…Later that evening, I grabbed dinner with Asia’s number one cameraman, Jeff, Australian player Kevin Lee and some ASEAN Tour media fella. It was back to bed by 8pm, a routine that I was very much enjoying! A caddies life is basically walk, talk, eat, sleep, repeat.

Round Three produced the same score again of even par. Lord Yates was homeless after the round, as he wasn’t expecting to make the cut it seemed…We were done by noon and headed off to Pattaya for a bite to eat, as the resort menu had become all too repetitive for the belly and after receiving daily photos of food from an Irish pub by Lord Yates, it was time for him to treat me to some proper food.13709955_10153456106657242_5647417845592170880_n This was my first time visiting Pattaya, but I had heard many stories about how greasy the place was. I certainly wasn’t expecting that my first experience there would involve a trip to a Tile store, so Lord Yates could check out the options available for his latest mansion in Hua Hin. 13700102_10153456106562242_4025932189119608742_nWe eventually made our way to the Irish pub and a traditional dish of burger and chips was annihilated in record time, while we watched The Open . When we got back to the hotel, for some reason the WiFi only worked for me so I continued to watch the The Open on my phone, as Lord Yates complained his way to sleep…Finally, some silence…or so I thought…It wasn’t long before he began talking in his sleep. Here are just some of the quotes he mentioned:

”1. Kenneth, you are not just the greatest caddie I have ever had, but also the greatest person I have ever met.

2. All the  birdies I have had this week are because of you. The bogeys are all my fault.

3. Did you know that Jorgen secretly hates milk?

4. My plan is to buy every property in Hua Hin and rename the town Yatesville.

5. All this talk about Brexit is doing my head in, what about Yexit 20 years ago? Where was my media coverage?”

Round Four produced the best round of the week, by one shot… to finish T-35TH on -1 . I am going to take some credit for this after lying to Lord Yates, telling him that every golfer I had caddied for to date had finished under par. He had to produce a tricky up and down on the last to keep this record going, and celebrated like he had won The Open after he did this. Of course, I quickly told him that I may have lied about this stat, but if I didn’t do this, he probably would have bogeyed the last…maybe!

13686628_10153449003232242_5915327963130284434_n.jpgAnd so my time with Lord Yates had come to an end. As he wiped the tears from his eyes, I consoled him and told him that we will meet again someday. For now, I was just happy to part ways and become the most talkative person in my life again. Adios.